Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
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Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Noted.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole