I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Yup….perfect score!
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”