Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
saw this in a dream
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.