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With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons