We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
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They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Jesus Christ lmao
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample