If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
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Dead sexy!!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
There’s never enough good news
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.