I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
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Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I mean…but I did
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Tony Hawk, age 6
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job