I’d rather fork than spoon.
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Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I drew y’all a little something.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.