Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)