Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
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[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Me too, bag. Me too….
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner