Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
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this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
every college guy’s fridge
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late