“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
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[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
based al yankovic
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Every damn time
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough