If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
groan^2
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?