*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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Well. That’s not a good sign.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”