9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
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2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
still the best tweet of the year by far
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent