People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
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me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do