I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.