Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.