The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
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Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America