for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
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ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Lmfao
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”