Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
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Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
🤣🤣🤣
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
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FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.