*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
🛁
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.