My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
You Might Also Like
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Beware of fowl play.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!