How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
These are my roll models.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.