“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.