Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.