Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses