If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?