me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
KFC hitting the cannibal market
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans