2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?