My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
channeling her this year