I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
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No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
The struggle is real
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
$4 #usedbooks
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.