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An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?