I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
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I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
For the baby who has everything
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
BaD BoY!!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.