Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*pronounces fake like saké*
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
classic mixup
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*