According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
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shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Name another movie that mislead you?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.