[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
You Might Also Like
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Yup.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.