Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”