When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Seems legit
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.