My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
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*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink