[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
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I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.