[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
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I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint