Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me, flirting😏
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
not for long
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket