Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
How can I say no to this ?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
The dark side of Canada