I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?