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Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.