Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
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*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.