It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
You Might Also Like
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I support this random dude and all his protests
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face