My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
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I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.