7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
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My Plans 2020
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
meow
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
asked my bf how work was today
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.